Some people are obsessed with their ex to the point where they struggle to get them out of their head – and, as a result, are unable to let go and move on. This obsession can be caused by a number of factors. Some may crave companionship in general, and others may miss a particular someone – the challenge lies in distinguishing which is which. The truth is, there are people out there that don’t like being alone after they have had someone around to share their life with, and they desperately want to fill that void. You may have realised you made a mistake, and that you would have done better if given a second chance. The “what if” factor keeps swirling in your head and you beat yourself up, knowing what you now know and how you could have handled things differently. Or maybe, in the absence of the right person or anyone else you’re remotely interested in, your ex seems like the best option. You might also be struggling to let go of the past, possibly because you’ve idealised what the relationship was and what it could have been. Another reason your ex holds you spellbound could be because you had a special connection with them and you believe that they are indeed “the one”, and that it’s worth trying to get them back. Feeling trapped in your relationship? It’s time to make a choice There are many reasons, some practical, some emotional, why some people stay in touch with an ex, says Sara Tang, sex coach and founder of Sarasense – which offers online resources and coaching on improving skills in the bedroom. “The former includes co-parenting and sharing the same social or business network, and the latter includes having a lot of shared history or still maintaining a strong friendship with your ex. Sometimes, they still have feelings for each other while others may use an ex as an ‘emotional crutch’ or a backup option,” Tang says. Whether you stay in touch with your ex may depend on how committed your relationship was, and the nature of the break-up. As Tang says, there’s no black-and-white answer – it depends on the motivation for keeping in contact, and what a person wants to get out of it. Tang says this connection with an ex brings both good and bad effects. “If things ended on good terms, and maintaining contact is enriching your life without causing pain or upset to any parties involved – including current partners – and there are clear boundaries, then it’s OK to stay in touch.” On the other hand, she says, if staying in touch with an ex means you’re unable to move on to another relationship or it is undermining a relationship with a current partner, then it might be time to rethink. This usually happens when a person still has romantic feelings for an ex and they want to get back together with them. Exes provide a lot of comfort and familiarity, so it may feel natural to want to confide in each other … this is OK, but only if you both are completely over your relationship and know that you don’t want to get back together Sara Tang, sex coach and founder of Sarasense And what if you want to confide in your ex? What does that mean? Tang explains that when two people who have broken up want to confide in each other, it means they still have a strong bond and genuinely care about each other, even outside a traditional relationship structure. “Exes provide a lot of comfort and familiarity, so it may feel natural to want to confide in each other … this is OK, but only if you both are completely over your relationship and know that you don’t want to get back together. “More often than not, it takes time to build a new kind of relationship. It’s also important that your confiding in each other doesn’t undermine your current relationship in any way – for example, divulging your current partner’s secrets or insecurities, or criticising them to your ex,” Tang says. Tang points out that, although seeing each other as confidants is acceptable, boundaries must be set if you don’t want to go further than that. To keep a safe zone, she says, “make a list of reasons you need to tighten up your boundaries and clarify your expectations around them; convey them to your ex; ask them to respect them and be firm and restate your position if needed”. “You need to convey to your ex that these boundaries aren’t a rejection of them, but rather a necessary part of ensuring you and your relationship with each other stay mentally and emotionally healthy,” she adds. Tang says sometimes it’s tempting to reach back for something safe and familiar, and to seek out someone who knows your body intimately, especially if there aren’t other partners on offer. How dealing with your partner’s flaws can help love blossom So many people end up hopping into bed with their ex. “It’s incredibly common; it feels comforting and familiar. And many people think they can do this and keep their boundaries in place or feelings strictly separate; however, reality is often more complex,” Tang says. “Sex is a powerful force because it causes our brains to release hormones and neurochemicals that bind us to another person. Be prepared for the resurgence of lingering feelings, mixed signals and possible confusion. “Depending on how long you’ve been broken up, this could also slow the healing process for you,” she says. She urges extra caution when the rebound sex is good. “Be careful around assigning any additional emotional implications to the sex being good. It’s easy to idealise and romanticise an ex after good sex, but remember you broke up for a reason and that is still valid,” Tang warns However, if you want to rebuild the relationship after physical intimacy, you can – if that’s what you both want and you’re both serious about it. “It’s totally possible, provided both are clear about their reasons for wanting to get back together and it’s not driven from sadness or loneliness of the break-up … it’s important to have a fresh start and avoid re-creating same dynamics as before,” Tang advises. How to stop your partner playing emotional hide and seek She adds that it’s necessary to take things slowly, to go through the motions of dating and discovering each other all over again. Sometimes, having a coach or therapist can be helpful. Six signs a second chance might be worthwhile 1. If you have both grown, healed and learned from the break-up and feel it’s possible to build a better relationship 2. You have addressed the issue that caused the break-up in the first place 3. The party responsible for the break-up owns up to their mistakes, and their apologies are genuine 4. The party who caused the break-up has made real efforts to change and you see evidence of that 5. You are willing to forgive and let go of any resentment 6. Situational factors (like long distance) that caused the break-up have changed Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post