When someone you love is depressed, it’s likely that you will also be affected – if not overwhelmed – by a mix of emotions such as frustration, sadness, and helplessness. If your partner suffers from clinical depression, some of your initial thoughts would probably include at least one of the following: What can I do to help them? What triggered their depression? What’s it like to feel depressed? And how will it impact our relationship? When you have a partner dealing with depression, bear in mind that everyone’s experience with this illness is different, and it’s OK if you feel a bit confused and frustrated from time to time. But don’t let these negative emotions fester and take over. Understand that how they feel has nothing to do with you; nor is it a reflection on your relationship with them, even though sometimes they might push you away. What they are going through or feeling is not their choice, and nor are they in control of it. What you can do is to focus on helping your loved one as well as yourself, because you also need to be mentally and emotionally well to give your partner support. So how can you tell if someone has depression or is struggling to cope with their condition? Blind date safety tips on sex, alcohol, and researching dates online Dr Sharmeen Shroff, a clinical psychologist who formerly taught doctoral-level psychology students at City University of Hong Kong, offers some advice on how to spot telltale signs or even hidden symptoms. She says common signs of depression include appetite and weight changes; sleeping difficulties (i.e. sleeping too much or too little); smoking or drinking excessively; using drugs; fatigue; anxiety; disinterest in things a person would usually find interesting; irritability and a short fuse; being self-critical or making a lot of jokes at one’s own expense; lack of interest in sex; overcompensation for perceived happiness (think Robin Williams) and self-harm behaviours. “It’s important to remember that we all experience some of these symptoms from time to time, and it may not necessarily mean you’re depressed. Equally, not everyone who is experiencing depression will display all these,” she adds. At the initial stage of discovering that your partner has depression, Shroff stresses that you must remember that you are not responsible for their condition. “Watching while a partner suffers from depression can make you feel extremely helpless. It is common for you to feel overwhelmed, frustrated, exhausted, and even afraid at times. But always remember that you are not alone.” The first step is to help your partner reach out to a professional, either a psychologist or psychiatrist, for an assessment, to gain support and appropriate treatment, she says. “Do the research on available therapists for your partner and give them a choice of who they want to see. Then offer to help book the appointment for them and offer to accompany them to their first appointment,” Shroff says. Once you have your partner connected with a support network, it’s essential you get support for yourself too – it doesn’t have to be with a therapist – to give you the backup you need. It could be friends, family, or a supportive community online. “It’s helpful for you to do some research on depression to help you understand what your partner is going through and to help you cope. If your partner’s depression is severe, you should also familiarise yourself with the warning signs for suicide,” she stresses. “The odds are in your favour; up to 80 per cent of individuals report seeing an improvement with their depression within four to six weeks of treatment.” Knowing what to say and do could give them much-needed support, no matter how small. You have to have realistic expectations about the recovery process because there will be good days and bad days – and try not to take to heart the negativity around you on the bad days Clinical psychologist Dr Sharmeen Shroff “You could ask them things like: ‘What do you need from me?’; ‘What’s the best way for me to help you?’; ‘Can you help me understand how you are feeling?’ or even ‘Are you having thoughts of death or hurting yourself?’,” Shroff says. “You can tell them you’re there for them and ask if they need a hug.” She points out that while you won’t be able to fully understand what they are feeling, that you are trying to understand their state of mind can go a long way. You should also remind them that you’re not going anywhere and that you love them, as these little boosts can make a considerable difference. Any form of support is important, such as taking on some tasks or errands that may help relieve some of the pressure on them, she adds. “Sometimes you don’t need to say anything, just being there is enough.” Shroff says the support of family and friends can play an important role in the treatment of a loved one’s mental health and in their recovery. There are many things you can do, such as documenting and keeping track of your partner’s symptoms to show to their treatment provider; asking if it’s OK to share your concerns and thoughts with their doctor; offering to attend appointments with them (especially when discussing treatment options or suggested lifestyle modifications); and encouraging them to attend appointments and take their medication. “It’s important that you ask your partner’s permission with any of the above suggestions. You don’t want them to feel smothered by your involvement, but rather that you genuinely want to help and support them through this process,” she advises. When taking care of a partner with a mental health condition, it’s essential that you take care of your own mental health, Shroff stresses. “You have to have realistic expectations about the recovery process, because there will be good days and bad days – and try not to take to heart the negativity around you on the bad days,” she says. “Taking time out for your own self-care is imperative; this may include engaging in enjoyable activities and hobbies, exercising, eating a healthy diet, and getting plenty of sleep and rest.” It’s also important to interact with other people besides your partner. And don’t hesitate to ask for help from trusted friends or relatives. If necessary, you can also reach out to a therapist because you also need support and a safe space to open up, just like your partner does. “Try and join a support group for families of those with depression. Good communication with your partner is important. Remember that you also have a right to be heard and respected,” she says. What not to say or do to someone with depression Don’t try to remind them that “some people have it worse” Avoid dismissing or minimising their feelings Don’t compare their feelings to others Avoid platitudes Don’t call them selfish or blame them for how they’re feeling Don’t tell them to “snap out of it” Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post