The Naked Truth | Why trailing spouses have it tough – stress, depression, loss of identity – and how to turn it into opportunity
- Trailing spouse syndrome is a group of symptoms resulting from the challenges of expatriate life for those who accompany working partners overseas
- Couples should devise a plan that will provide a sense of fulfilment and purpose for the trailing spouse before moving
Nobody wants to hear the term “ball and chain” used to describe their relationship because it sounds burdensome and restrictive for both people. The term “trailing spouse”, unfortunately, gives a similar impression.
The term evokes an image of a person following closely behind their partner, much to the reluctance of the other person. That is quite a disturbing picture.
In truth, a trailing spouse is usually the opposite of that because they play more of a supporting role. When one partner gets relocated overseas for a job, more often than not the other partner is expected to follow them. Even without a job or any sort of prospects to fall into, a trailing spouse is expected to follow to keep the relationship intact. Not going is almost never an option, especially when there are children involved.
“In the 1980s, the professional world was first introduced to this new term. I have always had an issue with it, especially being one myself,” says clinical psychologist Dr Quratulain Zaidi, founding director of the Hong Kong-based MindnLife psychology practice. “To start, the partner who is supportive of their partner’s career at the cost of their own professional growth and social identity, as well as their sense of fulfilment, should be identified as a ‘supporting spouse’, not a ‘trailing spouse’.”
Trailing spouse syndrome (TSS), a term commonly used by expatriates, captures the challenging impact of expatriate life for the trailing spouse who gives up their job support network and their sense of identity, Zaidi says. TSS can lead to disillusionment, stress and a general lack of identity, self-esteem and direction.