When a woman suffers a miscarriage or stillbirth, she experiences an indescribable pain that only few can empathise with. She will also experience a wide range of emotions, from disbelief and anger to guilt and profound sadness. Sadly, many choose to bury themselves under this tsunami of emotions and suffer in silence. As a mother myself, I want to extend my support to mothers who have had miscarriages or stillbirths. I want to let them know they are not alone, and they should not feel guilty about sharing the pain with families and friends. They don’t have to suffer in silence and place themselves in isolation. Losing a baby due to a miscarriage or stillbirth takes an enormous toll on mothers’ physical, mental and emotional health, even long after they have gone on to have other healthy babies. That’s why it is very important to talk about pregnancy loss. According to the World Health Organisation, losing a baby in pregnancy through miscarriage or stillbirth is still a taboo subject worldwide that is often linked to stigma and shame. As a result, many women still do not receive the much-needed care they deserve. Pregnancy loss is a very common problem, says Christine Deschemin, a certified hypnotherapist and founder of the Hong Kong-based Renewed Edge Hypnotherapy Centre. “Clinically recognised pregnancy loss is estimated to be about 15 per cent [of pregnancies] in Hong Kong. In other places, it is recognised that one in four pregnancies end in loss,” she says. How does the coronavirus affect my pregnancy? Deschemin has worked with clients to deal with pregnancy loss, helping them process their emotions and get a sense of closure. “Processing such emotions will prevent a large depressive episode. You will not forget about the miscarriage. You will accept that stage of your life and regain optimism and confidence in yourself.” The partner also has a part to play, as they need to recognise that the mother is dealing with an emotional and physical loss and the resulting pain. “The partner needs to understand that each person experiences grief differently and at a different pace. The mother and partner are both suffering. Some people need more help before reaching out to others. “Elisabeth Kubler-Ross and David Kessler [co-authors of On Grief and Grieving ] identified the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance – to help us appreciate that each partner might be at a different stage.” Deschemin says each partner must remember that the other is grieving too. Men tend not to talk about such things while women are more likely to dwell on the loss, but this isn’t always the case as each person is different. The partner should try to encourage the mother to resume a normal life when she feels ready, Deschemin says. It can be something as small as resuming a physical activity or hobby, while reaching out to others can also help. The problem is that society expects both partners to move on as quickly, but the fact is that both need time to grieve over much more than just the loss of a child; they have to grieve the loss of a new identity as a parent, she adds. In encouraging the mother to share feelings and pain, Deschemin advises that a grieving couple should reach out to friends who have also suffered from a miscarriage or stillbirth. Parents need to remember that a new pregnancy will not speed up the grieving process Christine Deschemin Both partners can also remember and honour the baby without triggering more pain and sadness. “I would suggest that people create a ritual. In the same way we have rituals to acknowledge the loss of a person, we can develop rituals to acknowledge the loss of a pregnancy. You can say goodbye in your heart or in a letter,” she says. Don’t forget that if there is a child in the family, they will also need help to cope and heal – but the approach will depend on the age, she adds. For teenagers and preteens, she suggests explaining the loss in an honest way, but to also give them space to grieve because they were anticipating becoming brothers or sisters. For younger children, you will need to use age-appropriate language. If they can understand and were aware that the parents were expecting a baby, you will need to provide them with an explanation. If you think they are too young to understand, you might choose to keep that from them until they are older. But know that they will pick up your sadness and might change their behaviour as a result, Deschemin says. When is the right time to become pregnant again? Pregnancies after a miscarriage can produce a lot of anxiety, Deschemin explains, which is why parents should seek the help of a professional to deal with the grief and build new foundations. In many cases, women tend to get less attached to the subsequent pregnancies. “Most importantly, parents need to remember that a new pregnancy will not speed up the grieving process,” Deschemin says. “I would say that the best time to become pregnant again is when you have achieved full closure.” How to survive the grieving period for both partners • Reach out to friends, family and support groups when you feel ready • Talk to others who have experienced a miscarriage or stillbirth • Write down the experience in a journal if you are unable to talk about it • Allow yourself to cry • Engage in activities that make you feel good • Be selective in terms of who you interact with; some well-meaning people might make a comment that will set off a series of negative feelings Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post