It’s impossible to truly love someone without understanding them on a deeper level. Just like in a relationship, there can’t be genuine intimacy if both partners don’t share thoughts and feelings, as this is what fosters a connection. True intimacy occurs when two people can reach deep into each other’s heart and soul, live with no pretence, and be sincerely vulnerable with each other. But what if one person is holding back and refusing to open up and share? When one person holds back, then the relationship is unable to move forward. So how do you get your partner to open up and unblock their emotions? Or even encourage them to confront old wounds with you? According to Sonia Samtani, clinical hypnotherapist, life coach, and relationship and wellness coach, there needs to be mutual trust for them to feel safe to be vulnerable. “Speaking about past pain requires someone to open up and allow you into their most intimate space. You need to create an extremely trusting environment. And most of all, your partner needs to trust that you are there to understand them, and not judge them,” she says. Why trailing spouses have it tough – and how to turn it into an opportunity One effective way to get your other half to open up is to first get permission from them, then open up about your own vulnerabilities to show you are willing to go there. Let them know that you are here to accept them and move forward with them rather than judge or blame them, Samtani adds. Be aware that any indication of judgment or accusation can put them back into their shell, she warns. “Be patient in this process and know that trust is not built in one day; it takes time to build a trusting relationship. But be mindful that it takes only moments for trust to be broken. Your partner must also have trust in what you do, rather than what you say you will do. Maintain a high level of integrity and follow through on your promises.” Samtani points out that in discussing intimate issues, your partner will be considering the following: Do I feel safe with this person? Will I be accepted by this person even if what I did in the past wasn’t desirable? Will this person be there for me as I move through my pain? Will they accept me, even if I am judging myself? “If you can create an environment that answers yes to these questions, you have a foundation of trust in the relationship. The two main resources needed are your intention to operate with integrity, and your willingness to be vulnerable,” she stresses. She offers some advice on how to lessen your partner’s pain and emotional baggage from the past. “First, know that you cannot take on your partner’s pain, and any attempt to do that will only result in two people hurting. Maintain empathy, where you can understand your partner, instead of sympathy, where you are feeling your partner’s pain. “When you listen to your partner, accept that your partner did the best they could. Understand that there must have been some internal turbulence that has led a person to a painful situation, and often the last thing they need is your judgment.” She says the most effective way to heal pain involves a combination of catharsis and acceptance. “Catharsis is the physical release of stored toxic emotions, where a person may cry or shout to release their pain while their partner maintains the space for them with love and acceptance.” Meanwhile, getting a partner to open up and talk about their sexual inadequacy, either real or perceived, is a delicate matter than can’t be rushed. “Sexual inadequacy is one of the most difficult things to open up about, as in the shadow of it lies your deepest beliefs about your own inadequacy as a man or woman,” says Samtani. “From a mental wellness perspective, most men’s sexual dysfunctions come from feeling that they are ‘not man enough’ and cannot satisfy their partner. Women’s sexual inadequacies come from feeling that they are not safe.” She suggests the best way to allow your partner to open up is to be extremely gentle and loving to your partner and their body. “We sometimes advise couples who are going through spells of sexual dysfunction to spend time loving each other’s bodies without the pressure of penetration, so that they can experience feeling loved as opposed to feeling desired.” And after the partner has opened up, Samtani says the other person should try to be in tune with what the partner needs most, and the best way forward is to ask them. “Sometimes what a person needs most is to talk, other times they need space, and sometimes they just need you to be there while they are figuring out what they need!” And once they have begun to open up, make it a point to maintain these intimate conversations so as to prevent them from going back into their default mode of switching on defence mechanisms and pretending everything is hunky dory. “Set aside a regular time, about twice a week; it doesn’t have to be too much of an event, it can be during your morning cup of tea or just before bed to allow both of you to continue opening up to each other in a relaxed and familiar setting. “Know that this is not to fix something, it’s merely to share what’s been suppressed and that sharing itself is healing,” she adds. Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post