Luisa Tam
SCMP Columnist
The Naked Truth
by Luisa Tam
The Naked Truth
by Luisa Tam

How kinks and fantasies can improve your sexual chemistry, and give your relationship a boost

  • If your love life is getting stale, maybe you need to expand your boundaries and try something new
  • Exploring kinks with your partner and being open and honest about your needs could take you both to new heights

The trouble with being in a rut is that some people don’t realise they are in one until they are well and truly in it. Even most loving and healthy relationships can lose their sexual momentum over time, but it doesn’t mean that spark can’t be reignited.

It’s the job of both partners to stop a relationship from going stale, so why not do something new together? After all, you never know what might tickle your fancy in the bedroom if you don’t expand your sexual limits and push the boundaries.

When it comes to experimenting in a relationship, sexual kinks and fantasies immediately come to mind. If you keep an open mind and there is trust in the relationship, then introducing kinks can elevate your sexual chemistry. It may even deepen the trust between you and your partner, as some find it difficult to share their “secret” kinks out of fear of being judged.

With that in mind, it does beg the question, “What if my partner has sexual kinks, and I don’t?”

Be open about your desires and don’t judge your partner on theirs. Photo: Getty Images

First, be open-minded and never pass judgment. According to Sara Tang, sex coach and founder of Sarasense, which offers online resources and coaching on improving skills in the bedroom, you need to accept that the chances of someone wanting the exact same thing sexually as you are very rare, but that’s OK.

She says, “Differences in sexual tastes and appetites between partners can be beneficial to the relationship if used as opportunities for personal growth and sexual exploration.”

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“We need to understand that sexual fantasies and kinks are very normal, so don’t judge or reject your partner for being themselves. On the contrary, thank your partner for being so honest with you because this is often a very vulnerable conversation.”

Another important thing to remember is not to take it personally. Just because partner is inclined in a certain way, it doesn’t mean that they don’t enjoy being with you. On the contrary, the fact that they are willing to share their fantasies is indication that they wish for you to be a part of that world.

“Reassure your partner that you are there for them, and you can work through this situation as a team.”

Differences in sexual tastes and appetites can be beneficial to a relationship. Photo: Shutterstock

And what if the situation is reversed, and your partner doesn’t share your secret desires? Tang advises on how to react or maybe even try to “educate” them.

“Don’t pressure your partner to share your kinks. Be kind and patient with your partner as it will take them time to get used to a new idea. Don’t threaten to leave or use ultimatums.

“At the same time, you don’t have to be ashamed of your kinks; they make you unique. Be straightforward and direct when sharing them, as your partner will pick up on any awkwardness and embarrassment,” Tang adds.

You can start by being curious; ask your partner why they have a certain kink and what exactly turns them on about it. This is the key to finding common ground
Sara Tang, sex coach and founder of Sarasense

She says you can also make use of resources such as podcasts, books and workshops to help educate your partner on kinks in general. You can even join a local community group where you and your partner can attend a “munch” – a meeting of kink-minded individuals.

Tang points out that the world of kink is bigger than we think, so you may be surprised by how many people share the same desires as you.

“Ask your partner if there are any elements of kink that they find intriguing, and then work together to create something that turns you both on.”

Ask your partner if they have any specific kink and work with them to create something that turns you both on. Photo: Getty Images

Tang offers the following on ways to discuss kinks with your partner and find common ground so that both can enjoy kinks and benefit the partnership.

“You can start by being curious; ask your partner why they have a certain kink and what exactly turns them on about it. This is the key to finding common ground.”

She adds: “For example, if your partner enjoys being spanked and tied up but you don’t, then dig deeper to identify the emotional need behind the kink. Say your partner finds it a relief to relinquish responsibility and they enjoy being the centre of attention. Then this opens up opportunities for you to brainstorm and propose ideas that will help them fulfil this emotional need.”

Sara Tang, a sex educator and pleasure coach, and founder of Sarasense.

Another way to support your partner is by indulging their kink through fantasy and erotic talk, Tang adds. “You can create kinky scenarios together using the phrase ‘imagine if …’ or watch kinky erotica and porn with them.”

“I suggest using a ‘Yes/No/Maybe’ list with your partner to identify the different sexual activities and kinks that you’re into or not into,” she adds.

So, when is the best time to discuss your kinks with your partner if you are in a new relationship and how?

Some people are upfront about revealing their fetishes, while others wait until the relationship is established. Photo: Shutterstock

Tang advises: “Some people are upfront about their kinks in their dating app profile. Others will wait until they are about to engage sexually. And others will wait until a relationship is more established.”

In the end, she says there is no one rule fits all; it’s about whatever time feels right for you.

“I suggest talking about this sooner rather than later. It gives both partners a chance to decide if sexual incompatibility is going to be a deal-breaker for the relationship or if it’s something that can be mutually pleasurable for both partners.”

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The good news is your relationship is not necessarily doomed if your partner is into kinks and you are not or vice versa.

“Sex isn’t the be-all and end-all in a relationship, although it helps greatly with relationship satisfaction. There are many happy relationships and couples whose erotic interests don’t completely align, and they are able to find ways around it.”

In fact, you might even discover a previously unearthed kink of your own; you never know.

Luisa Tam is a correspondent at the Post