We all have varied desires and needs when it comes to sex, and there’s absolutely no shame in that. So when it comes to achieving true sexual intimacy, we need to understand what turns us and our partner on in the bedroom. But while some of us are sexually aroused by things that lie outside what is considered the norm, we cannot categorically say what is considered “normal” and what’s not as far as sex is concerned. As a matter of fact, sexual fetishes are not as rare as you may think and not all are as disturbing as some have been led to believe. Sexual fetishes can introduce new dynamics to your love and sex life. They could make things awkward, but could also make your relationship exciting and highly gratifying; it all depends on how you interpret and explore the subject. First, we should establish a simple definition of fetishism. It is the use of inanimate objects or a non-genital body part (e.g., shoes and feet respectively) for sexual pleasure. Dr Kristin Zeising, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at MindnLife in Hong Kong, says: “It’s not considered a disorder unless it causes distress or harm to you or someone else.” Signs you are growing apart in a relationship and how to stop it from happening However, she says it can become problematic if a person can only become sexually aroused and reach orgasm when the fetish is being used. “They usually appear during puberty but they can also develop before adolescence,” she points out. “For some people their sexuality may have been influenced by the experience of childhood trauma; but this is not true for everyone, although it’s been speculated that a substantial percentage of folks who are into kinks like BDSM [bondage, domination, sadism and masochism] or fetishes have experienced sexual trauma in the past.” However, she points out that some recent studies have offered no evidence to support this long-held speculation. Zeising adds that fetishes get stigmatised because they are uncommon and therefore, subjected to a great deal of “sex shaming” in mainstream culture. “The message needs to be that whatever turns you on is perfectly normal. As long as it’s consensual and not causing distress to you or someone else.” Feeling comfortable enough with another person to divulge your innermost sexual desires is not easy. But if you trust your partner, then sharing your sexual fetishes can be a good thing. Zeising offers some advice on how to do just that. “It is more than OK to share your sexual fetishes with your partner. To begin with, you can open the conversation about sexual interests and turn-ons, ideally outside the bedroom. You can set aside time for the conversation when you are both relaxed and getting along,” she says. Being honest about your interests and showing authenticity and vulnerability can be a big turn-on, she says. But it is important to start small and test the waters. “Ease into the conversation and if you’re anxious or worried about how they’ll react, let them know. Be aware that when sharing, if you make it all about the fetish then your partner can get lost in the process,” she adds. “You need to make sure that as much time and energy goes into sharing each partner’s interests, not just the fetish itself. You should also let your partner know that this won’t change the relationship.” Opening up to each other is key to becoming a more intimate couple. That’s why it is crucial to ask your partner if they have any fantasies that they’d like to share but have been anxious to talk about in the past. When having sexual interactions, don’t try to meet both people’s needs in one night Dr Kristin Zeising, clinical psychologist and certified sex therapist at MindnLife in Hong Kong “If you are the one sharing a fetish, you must discuss your fetish in a conversation first. It would not be helpful if you decided to try and act out the fetish without your partner’s consent,” she warns. First, offer your partner a chance to ask questions. You have been living with this fetish and know it inside out, but your partner may be learning about it for the first time. You can make use of outside resources, such as by sharing an article on fetishes or a podcast that can give them information on the subject. Then you can try to explain what it is about the fetish that turns you on, and what feelings or sensations you experience that make it enjoyable. “If one partner likes more ‘vanilla sex’ and one is more adventurous, make a hierarchy of sexual interests and then see where there can be compromise. This allows the couple to negotiate where they are comfortable,” she suggests. “When having sexual interactions, don’t try to meet both people’s needs in one night. It may be better to have one night more about you and the next night it can be more about the other person.” This way you will get to know more about your partner by sharing so that you can bond and hence become closer to build a closer sexual connection. Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme