The Naked Truth | When your relationship goes wrong, don’t blame your partner without looking at your own actions – and communicate if there is a problem

When something goes wrong in a relationship, it’s easy to blame the other person for the failure rather than ourselves. Come to think of it, we blame the traffic when we are late; we blame the alarm when we wake up late – even children blame each other when they get into trouble. Whether the accusation is valid or not, playing the blame game or adopting a victim mentality is never a good way to approach a problem in any relationship. Not only is this attitude unhelpful and counterproductive, it breeds distress, mistrust and resentment, among a whole host of negative feelings that could cause long-term damage. Instead of laying blame on your partner, it may be worth taking a closer look at your own actions – or inactions. But how do you know if you are the problem in your relationship, and what are the telltale signs? Nathalie Sommer, a certified relationship and intimacy coach, says: “When you are unhappy in yourself, it will have an impact on the relationship, as your moods may affect the relationship dynamics or you may blame the other person for being unhappy and not meeting your needs.” The red flags to watch out for to avoid a relationship dying Her advice is to try to be aware of how you come across and if your unhappiness is being projected or taken out on the other person. “Taking ownership and being self-responsible is key, and it can be surprisingly freeing when you allow yourself to take full responsibility for your actions.” Sommer says the blame game mentality is equal to self-sabotage, which should be avoided at all costs. “If you find yourself picking fights, take a minute to reflect on what is really going on and what is making you act this way.” Honesty and maintaining an open dialogue will allow you to vent your feelings in a healthy way and make your partner aware of any internal strife within you. But if you repress these feelings and keep your partner in the dark, then you’re not only hurting the relationship but yourself. Another sign is never saying you’re sorry. “Saying sorry allows for healing in relationships to happen. It opens a door to come back together. It’s a sign of maturity to apologise when you’ve messed up.” And if you can’t let things go, that’s another indicator that you are the centre of the problem. “Do you find yourself rehashing the same things over and over? If you want the relationship to move forward, you need to let go and move on. Focus on the now and what you want to create, then move forward from there,” Sommer advises. And if your partner feels the need to walk on eggshells around you, that’s another clear sign that it is time to re-evaluate your behaviour. “If your partner feels they can’t ever get anything right or will say the wrong thing in what they think or feel, they will keep those feelings to themselves until it explodes.” On ways to eradicate the problem, Sommer offers the following advice. “Remember that it takes two to tango. In other words, even though there may be one person that creates more of the relationship problems, the other partner should also be setting boundaries in place.” Self check-ins are also a must. “Check in with yourself when you notice you’re being irritable or closed off. And ask yourself where these feelings are coming from; it’s much easier to deal with a problem after you’ve diagnosed what it is.” Sommer points out that communication is a priority. “It’s important to tell the people in our lives what’s OK and what’s not OK to say and do to us. With boundaries set, there’s less space to hurt one another or things being miscommunicated.” She also suggests practising compassion. “Try to practise compassion with yourself and others, practise self-care, and be patient. But if you’re still struggling, it may be time to seek some external support.” And finally, if you and your partner are willing, Sommer suggests inviting the other person to join hands in this correctional process. “It starts by communication. Make an actual appointment with each other; if you live together, make sure nothing distracts you. If you can’t talk without raising your voices, go to a public spot like a cafe or park. “Set up some rules. Try not to interrupt until your partner is through speaking; ban phrases such as ‘You always …’ or ‘You never…’. “Then, let your partner know what you’d like to work on personally in yourself but also where you would like support. For example, you can say the following: ‘When I get angry, what would be really helpful is to give me some space to process the anger.’” These routines take practice and a lot of patience, but the journey is certainly worth it if you both have the same destination in mind. Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme

.css-1m2rp1p{color:#34b8b5;}The Naked Truth | When your relationship goes wrong, don’t blame your partner without looking at your own actions – and communicate if there is a problem

The Naked Truth | When your relationship goes wrong, don’t blame your partner without looking at your own actions – and communicate if there is a problem