The Naked Truth | Netflix hit The Tinder Swindler shows how dating scams work: fake profiles, sob stories and our own fantasies – how to avoid the trap

It’s no surprise that Netflix’s The Tinder Swindler, a true-crime documentary about a con artist who scammed women out of millions of dollars, is a global hit. Because of dating app Tinder’s popularity – and notoriety – the documentary amassed 45 million hours of viewing time in the first week after its release in early February. The app, which has more than seven million subscribers worldwide, has become something of a hotbed for catfish scouring the app for easy marks. While some fake profiles are easy to spot, others are surprisingly convincing. And part of the documentary’s mass appeal is the lengths to which Simon Leviev, the show’s titular swindler, went to build his reputation in order to become an international scam artist. So what lessons can we take away from the documentary? As relationship expert and certified hypnotherapist Valentina Tudose points out, we shouldn’t blame the victims for their naivety in trusting a stranger with their hearts and money. “As adults, we expect women to realise that ‘true love’ is just a fantasy. But it functions as a deep subconscious ‘programme’ constantly reinforced by adult fairy tales (romantic comedies).” Hong Kong online scam victims report losing HK$3 billion for love, jobs, sex “The first victim we see in the documentary openly talks about this, and says she still believes in fairy tales. Leviev did not have to work very hard to reel her in.” Tudose explains that when someone has built-in beliefs like this, it doesn’t take much for them to get completely caught up. “Most victims of romance scams are actually victims of their own convictions. They get caught up in a story they desperately want to believe, despite all the warning signs,” she says. It may seem obvious to any outsider that something is too good to be true, but when emotions are involved and the person is living in a fantasy, common sense doesn’t always prevail. “The lesson to learn is to recognise that ‘love at first sight’ is mostly a story we tell ourselves when we ‘force fit’ a person we know nothing about onto our own internal ‘love map’. Scammers use that to manipulate our emotions to make it seem that they tick all the boxes, which further fuels the fantasy.” Tudose highlights a few important warning signs of a potential scammer. First is when they feed you far-fetched or extremely “traumatic” origin stories, says Tudose. “Scammers fabricate tales of adoption, being refugees, and traumatic childhoods to generate this dysfunctional type of attachment called a ‘trauma bond’, developed in the presence of danger or fear,” she says. “Another tactic is ‘love bombing’ to create immediate intensity by talking about commitment straight away. They will ask you to move in together, make it look like they’re spending all their time with you, make grand gestures, and share personal information to reassure you that they are the real deal.” Another sign is inconsistencies and little details that don’t add up. “After building up that trust, they may invent a situation that requires you to bail them out, and it will most likely require money. “If this happens to you, then you need to think very carefully about your next move. Cast your mind back to little red flags that you may have pushed to the back of your mind. In the case of Leviev, it would be reasonable to question why the son of a billionaire would need to borrow money from someone of modest means.” Another red flag is the way they talk, she says. “Normal people don’t insist so much on being ‘honest’, ‘humble’, or ‘trustworthy’. They will say they are looking for commitment and immediate exclusivity. Sometimes they may even demand proof that the victim is not a scammer to take the heat off themselves.” If online dating apps are such minefields, should we avoid them altogether? “Dating apps are not outright dangerous if users are aware that all human interaction can be subject to deception. Just like magicians and stage hypnotists, scammers choose their subjects very carefully. “Look out for phrases that portray someone as emotionally vulnerable. Classic phrases include ‘hopeless romantic’, ‘still believe in happily ever after’, ‘newly single/divorced, ‘new to this’, and ‘not sure what to make of it’”. Finally, to be extra safe, keep your profile factual and focus on showing only what you want your potential partner to know. Never include personal identifying information, such as photos that can help identify your house, bank, or security details, Tudose stresses. “Be careful when speaking to a new partner that seems too intense. Listen to your intuition; if this person makes you feel uncomfortable or it feels too good to be true, do not make excuses. If anything seems off, cut things off immediately,” she adds. Luisa Tam is a Post correspondent who also hosts video tutorials on Cantonese language that are now part of Cathay Pacific’s in-flight entertainment programme

.css-1m2rp1p{color:#34b8b5;}The Naked Truth | Netflix hit The Tinder Swindler shows how dating scams work: fake profiles, sob stories and our own fantasies – how to avoid the trap

The Naked Truth | Netflix hit The Tinder Swindler shows how dating scams work: fake profiles, sob stories and our own fantasies – how to avoid the trap