Why trying too hard to be happy can make you miserable, and how to deal with negative emotions

Reminders to be positive are all around us. When we’re having a bad day, friends urge us to “think happy thoughts” or advise us to “stop being so negative”. When faced with a problem, we are told that everything will be better once we “let go of worry” and “adopt a more positive attitude”.

And then there are those seemingly unavoidable memes that show up on our social media feeds, with their banal one-liners such as ‘Choose happiness’, ‘Look on the bright side’, ‘Good vibes only’ and ‘Just change your mindset’.

While we all need motivation to stay upbeat, particularly when going through a rough patch, this idea that we should be happy all the time – and that there’s something wrong with us if we’re not – is unhelpful and unrealistic. In fact, it can be considered “toxic”.

“The scientific evidence is clear that happiness has all kinds of benefits, so of course we should strive to live a happy life,” says Paul Krismer, the chief happiness officer and founder of the Happiness Experts Company in British Columbia, Canada.

“But at the same time, there are many good evolutionary benefits to negative emotions. For instance, fear moves us away from danger, sadness teaches us what we value and need to protect, and shame corrects negative behaviours so that we remain socially attached, which is a vital survival mechanism.”