Why kissing is more important than sex for couples
- Kissing is more intimate than sex and the first sign of trouble in a relationship is a drop-off in the act, therapist Dr Wolfgang Krueger says
- A German study once found that husbands who kissed their wives before going to work lived an average of five years longer than those who didn’t
Your heart beats faster, your blood pressure rises and your cheeks flush. A cocktail of “cuddle” and “happy” hormones floods your body, including oxytocin, serotonin and dopamine. As many as 34 facial muscles spring into action. And millions of bacteria are transferred from mouth to mouth.
The chemistry and mechanics of kissing are well understood. Nevertheless, the role in our lives of the age-old cultural practice is often belittled, says Dr Wolfgang Krueger, a psychologist based in Berlin, Germany.
“Kissing is popularly seen as sexuality’s little sister, but it’s not. On the contrary – for couples, kissing is far more important,” maintains Krueger, who calls the activity a relationship’s barometer.
While many couples worry about a flagging sex life, the first sign of trouble is a drop-off in kissing, he says. “It may sound strange, but kissing is much more intimate than sex. Sexuality can sometimes be very impersonal, as if you’re reeling off a programme,” Krueger says.
With kissing, on the other hand, you’ve got to truly mesh gears with the other person, sense their tempo, and take in their smell and taste.
“When you kiss, you discern whether the other person is receptive and has social antennae. A good kiss is also ardent and able to increase in intensity,” says Krueger.
Take your sex life to another level with these experts’ tips
Researchers calculate that Germans kiss about two to three times a day on average, Krueger says, be it a goodnight peck on the cheek or soulful smooching on a date. By age 70, they’ve spent 76 full days kissing – and that number is rising, he says.
Romantic kissing isn’t the norm worldwide, though.
A 2015 study in the journal American Anthropologist found that 46 per cent of 168 cultures surveyed engage in romantic/sexual kissing, defined as lip-to-lip contact that may or may not be prolonged. It’s most prevalent in the Middle East, followed by Asia, Europe and North America. No evidence of it was found in Central America, sub-Saharan African, New Guinea or the Amazon region.
A relationship without kissing has all the charm of a youth hostel
It hasn’t been conclusively determined why people started kissing in the first place. The Austrian ethnologist Irenaus Eibl-Eibesfeldt surmised it derived from early humans’ practice of pre-masticating (chewing) food for their young and then spitting it into their mouths.
How much sex is normal? Quality, quantity and types discussed with real women
Other researchers think our ancestors, like many animals, sniffed each other’s genitalia to gather information on potential mates, but shifted their investigations upwards when they began walking upright.
Even some animals kiss.
Chimpanzees and a number of fish species are known to press their mouths together, although this is hardly comparable to kissing by humans, for whom kissing rituals at bedtime or leave-taking are just as important as romantic kissing, Krueger says.
Krueger cites two – opposite – effects that he has noticed in his couple therapy sessions.
“Some couples are talking to each other a lot more again, and kissing more often too,” he says, adding that others are having trouble handling the forced togetherness of stay-at-home guidelines, constantly quarrelling and avoiding physical contact.
“This is a problem. A relationship without kissing has all the charm of a youth hostel,” Krueger remarks. His advice to couples who want to get closer again: keep kissing “until they’re wild with passion!”
