Low self-esteem impacts many of us – one study found 85 per cent of the world’s population suffers from some kind of diminished self-esteem – but few of us recognise it, let alone talk about it. Shobha Nihalani was a year into researching and writing a book on self-esteem before she realised it was something that affected her personally. “I knew I had low self-confidence, I have an inner critic, but I never tied it to the premise of a self-esteem issue,” says Nihalani. She published her first book in her 40s and became a prolific writer, but even when she had six books under her belt, she didn’t feel she was “good enough”. Focusing only on the negative reviews and not the positive ones, she kept seeking external validation . It wasn’t until her eighth book that she began to really see herself as a writer. Reboot, Reflect, Revive: Self-esteem in a Selfie World , released last year, is her 11th book. “This book helped me understand myself. I’m not a trained mental health expert, but I come from a place of understanding what it means to have low self-esteem , and could relate to people who were sharing the issues, whether it was in the workplace or relationships or personal goals – or bullying as a child,” says Nihalani. How a Hong Kong woman beat depression, lost 30kg and got her mojo back She began the book in 2019, interviewing mental health professionals and people who experience low self-esteem, studying academic papers, books and media reports and watching TED talks. A year into her research, the coronavirus pandemic struck , sparking fear and anxiety around the world and leading to a spike in self-esteem issues. More academic papers were written on the back of that. She found all the research points to low self-esteem issues beginning in childhood, which she could relate to. “As a child, praise wasn’t dished out as generously as criticism,” says Nihalani. “We were taught you have to achieve a certain grade, be as good as so-and so. That was internalised into adulthood because there was this sense of inferiority, low self-confidence and self-doubt – I had those same statements [from childhood] going around my head.” Among the many people interviewed in the book is Mehek Gidwani. Born and raised in Hong Kong, Gidwani was bullied at school for being the odd one out – an Indian girl among predominantly Chinese students. She was regarded as dirty or smelly and called a “hairy yeti” because of the colour of her skin. She didn’t tell her parents about the bullying and, at age 15, began substance abuse . She struggled with addiction through her teens until, aged 19, she entered rehab and followed the 12-step recovery programme. She has been clean for a decade and worked on her anxiety issues through her 20s. Now aged 30, she has recognised that her challenges have their roots in low self-esteem. “I have looked to other people to receive confirmation of achievements, professional and social. I thought if I can get a degree, get in a relationship other people will affirm me and that will feel enough, but it hasn’t worked. “Whatever I’ve done on the outside to gain acceptance hasn’t made me feel good on the inside,” says Gidwani, a yoga teacher and addiction recovery coach. Nihalani sees self-esteem as a muscle which needs to be strengthened every day. Her advice to parents is to let their children know that nothing is perfect and it’s OK to make a mistake, it’s OK to fail. “I consider self-esteem to be a baseline inner strength from where we can extract self-confidence, self-respect, self-worth, that motivation to peruse something beyond our comfort zone,” says Nihalani. A recent study found that 42 per cent of people who experience low self-esteem reported these negative feelings have been worse during the pandemic. As humans, we are hard-wired to hate uncertainty, we want to be in control. Boost your creative thinking by stepping out of your comfort zone “In times of uncertainty, we can get stuck and ruminate. A past memory might trigger a sense of sadness in the present moment, and that affects how we feel about the future and leads to feelings of anxiety and stress. Then our self-esteem takes a hit,” says Nihalani. Based on her research, Nihalani has created her own approach to addressing low self-esteem. She calls it the “I see, you see, we see” system. As the pandemic rolls on, it’s worth keeping this strategy in mind. “I see” refers to the inner critic, and the first step is to become our own inner critic and stop it in its tracks. “The inner critic is trying to protect us from failure or embarrassment, from an external threat, but there is no external threat – we are attacking ourselves. We are the attacker and the attacked with the inner critic,” she says. “You see” is about comparing yourself to others, which is fuelled by social media . Scrolling through Instagram, it’s easy to fall into the trap of comparing your life and achievements to the glossy snaps of others seemingly living their best lives. “We all have our own share of strengths and we can compare ourselves to yesterday or two months ago and see what we have achieved,” she says. Why we all need some self-love: a reformed people pleaser’s story And “we see” is about being compassionate – to ourselves and others. When we are self-compassionate, we are able to forgive ourselves for things we think we’ve done wrong. “With self-acceptance and non-judgment, we can open ourselves to being compassionate to others who probably are going through their own issues and may come across as irritable or impatient because they are feeling irritable and impatient themselves,” she says. Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram . You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here .