Michelle* feels like the walls of her bedroom are closing in on her. After three years of online classes, hours spent every day staring at a screen, the once social and bubbly 14-year-old is exhausted. The youthful resilience that kept her going through the first year of the coronavirus pandemic is waning as she sees her peers around the world living their lives and having teenage fun. “I feel I’m back where I was. I don’t want to kill myself, but I would rather be dead,” she says. The pandemic has disrupted schooling for children around the world, but for those in Hong Kong the ordeal has lasted longer than for most others. This is the saddest day of my life, but then everything feels the same, so it’s weird Sabrina*, 13 Their online lessons began in 2019 with the closure of schools because of the anti-government protests that rocked the city for seven months. Then came the global pandemic, which has dragged on in Hong Kong as the city strives to meet the demands of China’s dynamic zero-Covid strategy . Sabrina* is also sitting alone in her bedroom and feeling at rock bottom. The 13-year-old is grieving the loss of her best friend since childhood, who recently left Hong Kong for good with her family. “This is the saddest day of my life, but then everything feels the same, so it’s weird,” she says. So much of life for children and young people has been played out in their bedrooms over the past few years – from the challenges of online learning to the struggle to make friends and connect with others through a screen. It has been a surreal three years at a time that is critical to their social development. How to stay sane working from home with your kids studying online Children are amazingly resilient, and many will navigate the challenges, but others won’t. Hong Kong-based clinical psychologist Kimberley Carder is worried about the kind of adulthood these kids will step into. “We know that most mental health disorders show symptoms and development before the age of 14 and that early childhood experiences are one of the greatest indicators of poor mental health in adulthood,” says Carder. “With all the children in Hong Kong who haven’t had a full in-person school year since 2019, three academic years ago, we are witnessing the development of a completely new generation of people.” When I tell a young person that this won’t last forever, they understand that as a concept, but they can’t feel it or process it as an adult. Kimberley Carder, clinical psychologist The prolonged exposure to the threat from the coronavirus, the constant flip-flopping of policy – school is on, school is off, you can see your friends, no you can’t – and knowing things could change at any moment seriously undermine a child’s sense of safety and security. Of course, this is something we have all been going through in Hong Kong. But for adults it is a chapter in our life, while for young people whose lives have been directed towards finishing high school, there are no points of comparison. What’s more, their brains have not yet developed fully to comprehend it . “The brain doesn’t finish fully developing until the age of 25,” says Carder. “The last part of the brain to develop is the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for our sense of time. “When I tell a young person that this won’t last forever, they understand that as a concept, but they can’t feel it or process it as an adult.” Carder was alarmed when a teenage client had an IQ and educational assessment – which measures cognitive ability and academic strengths and weaknesses – that found the child’s ability to hold information and retain it had dropped; where previously they had been in the 90th percentile, now they were in the 12th percentile. Such a dramatic shift usually only happens if there has been an accident or brain trauma, but that wasn’t the case. “She just became depressed in the past three years, and depression affects our memory, overrides our cognitive functioning,” Carder says. “There would not have been such a significant drop if there wasn’t also a complete change in lifestyle – online learning has such different cognitive demands. It’s the internet brain – you don’t need to remember information because you are sitting in front of a computer.” Many young people spend a lot of time online, not just for school but also playing games. Their visual processing – understanding images and patterns and how they fit together – is fast, but their verbal comprehension, understanding of language and how words connect to one another is decreasing. Hong Kong leader calls for calm after residents panic over possible Covid-19 lockdown “With home learning and fewer opportunities to be off the computer, we are seeing more of an ADHD [attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder] nation, where the attention span is short,” says Carder. Online learning and social-distancing regulations result in children and young people in Hong Kong having few opportunities to meet their peers. Instead of meeting in person, they are doing it online, by text and in Google Hangouts. In such an artificial environment, where emotions are expressed in emojis, they are not learning how to pick up on social cues or social nuances. The teenage years are the time of identity formation, but now much of that self-expression is done online. Many young people are developing two identities: who they are in person and who they are online, a split sense of self. “What is the adult version of this? I don’t think any of us know the answer to that. It could be nothing, or it could be we are looking at a very different generation,” says Carder. If you have a child or young person in the house, what can you do to support them? The greatest indicator of well-being is the quality of connection with other people. When you do spend time with them, make sure that their attention is really engaged. “If you are watching a movie together, talk about it afterwards. When you are having a conversation, keep the technology away,” suggests Carder. When it’s not possible to meet their peers in person, encourage video calls rather than text. Seeing the other person increases the chances of social reciprocity and a higher quality connection in terms of social skills. Looking through photos of past happy times and telling stories about them will instil a sense of optimism, while recalling details from the past will support good memory functioning. “Reflecting on what you would like to do in the future helps to develop a sense of hope – there were happy times before and we’ll be able to develop them again,” Carder says. How to create happy memories – and not forget them At a time when so many days blend into each other, Carder suggests marking on a calendar a highlight of the day to help the days count a little more. “Make sure you are making an active cognitive effort to make the day feel a little different – you could have a photo of the day, something to show a sense of progress, of growth and development, individually or as a family,” Carder says. Science teaches us that the brain is malleable, able to change and adapt as a result of experience . We saw this in the case of Carder’s teenage client, whose ability to retain information fell dramatically during the pandemic, but neuroplasticity works both ways. If children have lost memory and social skills over the last few years, with patience and encouragement they can be restored. “[After the pandemic] there will be a lot of things that feel scary when they engage in the ‘real world’,” says Carder. “We have to encourage young people to continue to push themselves – that warm push into the unknown.” * Children’s names have been changed. If you are having suicidal thoughts, or you know someone who is, help is available. For Hong Kong, dial +852 2896 0000 for The Samaritans or +852 2382 0000 for Suicide Prevention Services. In the US, call The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on +1 800 273 8255. For a list of other nations’ helplines, see this page . Like what you read? Follow SCMP Lifestyle on Facebook , Twitter and Instagram . You can also sign up for our eNewsletter here .