Opinion | Is this the least practical bag ever made? Jacquemus’ micro-bag pushes realms of ridiculous

Isn’t it interesting how the smallest things can blow up into a big deal? When French designer Simon Porte Jacquemus sent models down his autumn/winter 2019 runway pinching minuscule bags between their fingers, people who care about fashion went crazy. The bags, copies of which were first sent out as invitations to the show, measure just 5cm wide. Influencers and celebrities raced to be photographed with one. Editorials came fast and furious, headlines reading: The Rise of the Impractical Micro Bag! Should You Buy One? Have We Gone Too Far?

I sat back and laughed. As publicity stunts go, this was a stroke of genius from a designer who had already proven himself a master. Jacquemus (pronounced “jack-moose”) has released Instagram-domina­ting accessories for several seasons now. First, there was La Bomba from spring/summer 2018, a straw hat of gargantuan proportions, measuring 53cm wide. It was paired with Le Chiquito, an already Lilliputian bag at about 12cm wide, with no room for an iPhone.

The yo-yo diet of extreme propor­tions continued in spring/summer 2019 with an oversized straw bag. And now this: Le Petit Chiquito Mini (redundantly: “the small tiny mini”), which is so small only the first letter of the brand name fits on it.

Amusing suggestions for what might actually fit into a small tiny mini abound on Twitter, including: shame, a Tic Tac, pride, a whisper, remorse or a single Apple AirPod. It has raised a Marie Kondo-style question about handbag essentials. For me, that’s as far as the analogy goes because my wallet doesn’t “spark joy” but I need it. (If I’m being honest, the same is true for, sorry, feminine products, because being caught without them would plunge me into misery and embarrassment.) Sure, my phone could allow me to go cashless, but it doesn’t fit into a micro bag and I don’t relish the idea of losing a free hand. Stuffing your phone into a pocket, if you happen to have one that day, will ruin the line of your outfit. I don’t need a make-up bag, but a bit of lip gloss would be nice, along with a few mints.

By Jacquemus’ own admission, the design is conceptual rather than functional. That should hardly be shocking to anyone with a working hippocampus. Fashion history is filled with controversial and simply absurd propositions from designers such as Schiaparelli, Moschino and Alexander McQueen. Yet, while designers have been retelling the emperor’s new clothes fable with Dada-esque creations since long before he was born, Jacquemus has provided some of the most poignant examples for the era of social media. In the rush to purchase the latest it-bag, how many of us have got the message?