OpinionThe joys of being placed on hold – time wasted and tinny music

What’s the longest you’ve been put on hold? I clocked up an impressive 58 minutes last week. A cheery-sounding woman at Britain’s Revenue and Customs department finally took my call. I strained to be polite – it doesn’t pay to get the huff when you’re hoping to be let off a late payment charge on your tax. My request apparently called for the advice of an overseas specialist. “Please bear with me,” she said in a singsong voice that set me on edge.

With gritted teeth, I listened to the sort of repetitive jingle that could easily send you mad. Was this worth a reprieve on the £100 (US$123) late fee? Fifteen minutes in and I was starting to lose it. Then she was back, all sweetness and light, as though no time had passed at all. “Just putting you through,” she chirped. And then the line went dead.

I could have cried. I’d been disconnected. Most likely by accident, but that didn’t make it any easier. There was no point in complaining, that would only open the door to another helpline hell.

So, bang went 75 minutes of my life that I’ll never get back. Why hadn’t I hung up and called back later when the lines were less busy, as an automated voice had advised on a three-minute loop? I suspect it’s a little like the hole that gamblers sometimes dig themselves into. You’ve sunk 10 minutes of your life into this and to quit now would be to waste that effort. So, you hang in there. When you get to 20 minutes, the stakes are higher still. After 30 minutes, there is no going back.

Perhaps Siri or Alexa could be trained to help out. No more agony of being put on hold, just get your machine to talk to their machine. It would end the angst of being in telephonic no-man’s land. You might have started out perfectly chilled, but by the time you get to speak to someone all you want to do is swear and slam down the phone. And even that doesn’t provide the satisfaction it once did now that we are all on mobiles.