How a book on Buddhist approach to happiness taught actor to forgive, and to put herself in others’ shoes
- Karrie Tan learned from the Dalai Lama’s book how to put herself in another person’s shoes, something that helped her in her professional and personal life
- When she picked up the book, she was struggling to get over her then boyfriend having an affair with her best friend. It taught her ‘we all want to be loved’
The Art of Happiness: A Handbook for Living (1998), the best known book by the 14th Dalai Lama, written with psychologist Howard Cutler, argues that humans naturally seek happiness, that happiness comes from within rather than from external circumstances, and that it is therefore available to everyone.
Karrie Tan Hui-lei, a leading actor with the Hong Kong Repertory Theatre, a director and a playwright, tells Richard Lord how it influenced her life.
I read it 20 years ago, I guess. At that time I was suffering a very painful issue in my life: my boyfriend was having an affair with my best friend. It was horrible and full of lies: you trust someone to love you, and then you find out none of it is true. I was full of hatred. My faith in love was in pieces.
When I saw this book, I noticed it had “happiness” in the title, and I thought, that’s what I want in my life. I didn’t know what to do instead of suffering. I picked up the book and started reading, and I felt so peaceful. At that time I only had a few ideas about Buddhism. I’d been in productions that used concepts from Buddhism, so I’d done some research to play Buddhist characters and, reading about the Dalai Lama, I’d appreciated the patience and forgiveness he talks about.
It was shocking when I went through the book chapter by chapter, especially the chapter about forgiveness. Cutler asks him, when his friends are being killed, how can he forgive the people doing it? The Dalai Lama says, “Anyone who does anything cruel to others, they must have their reasons, because we’re all the same.”
It’s the same as an actress: when you want to approach someone’s character you have to find not the differences but the sameness; you have to remember that we are all the same – we are all chasing happiness. We might do something very bad to others, but that’s not who we are.
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When you accept that we all want to be loved, then you’ll be more understanding about every so-called fault, every so-called unforgivable issue. When I read that, even when I thought about my ex-boyfriend and my best friend, if I put myself in their situation, I realised they just wanted to be together, and didn’t know how to exit the situation we were all in.
After about two more years another guy came into my life, and when there were problems in the relationship, I knew that the problem wasn’t that he is a bad guy. I just put myself in his situation and understood we were different people with different values. We separated but we’re still friends.
I have three kids; my eldest daughter is nine. The other day she asked me, if I keep saying the goal in life is to seek happiness, why do I make her sad? I asked how, and she said because I always stop her playing games. I explained to her that that’s just some fun; real happiness always includes kindness and peace.
