Most men assume women are naturally tidy, neat and obsessive-compulsive when it comes to cleanliness. Wrong! They have no idea of the horrors that go on in our powder rooms, changing rooms and spas.

I consider myself a feminist, but the worst of the female species can be truly disgusting. Behind closed doors, many of your dainty girlfriends leave behind a revolting vortex of bio-toxic mess when they go to the loo en masse. What is it with girls when they enter a private stall? When the door closes, do they suddenly turn from spotless darling Jekyll into unhygienic Miss Hyde?

I swear, the hellish volcanic pit of a Mordor dungeon would be a more pleasant place than some of the female washrooms I've had the distinct displeasure to be in. And it would probably smell better too. How can a little tinkle lead to such a trail of destruction? How does a little freshening up result in the complete and utter devastation of the ladies' room?

Unfortunately, things don't improve even when you upgrade to the luxury and exclusive confines of expensive hotel and club spas. In paying the premium price of a five-star environment, a lot of women assume they can treat it like their personal bathroom.

Particularly infuriating are the she-slobs in the communal spaces of gym locker areas and spas. I'm not some hypochondriac talking about hair in the shower drain, either. I am offended more by the wet and soggy obstacle course of towels and filth I have to evade. Every time I go to the gym, it's a minefield of ickiness. And for goodness' sake, the hairdryers are for your head, not any body parts below.

Even more selfish are the divas who hog entire changing room benches with their stuff so no one else can sit down. Others bring in a large trunk disguised as a make-up case and spend an hour dominating the mirror after working out. When they finish, the counter is a wasteland of powder smudges and used cotton balls. And don't expect there to be any pads and Q-tips left for the rest of us, because they've either used them all or swiped them to add to their case.

But the worst are women who take their personal routines into the facilities. Doing your face masks in the sauna or steam room is tacky; shaving your legs in those places is downright unpleasant. I don't care how much your pores and follicles open up with the moisture, it's unhygienic and gross. Please be more lady-like and keep all orifices closed in my presence.

By the way, you know those used tissues that are always found stuffed into the arm rest in taxis? We know guys don't use tissues, so obviously it had to be some rude chick that stuck them in there.

The Aristocrat