Their two children, now eight and 10 years old, were born in Hong Kong, but Joe is largely an absent father as his work takes him away from home much of the time.

It was a set-up that worked until Miranda found out about Joe’s second family across the border. Now she wants a divorce – and she wants it in Hong Kong.

Miranda is typical of the clients that the Hong Kong divorce and family team at law firm Withers see.

“The number of cross-border divorces are eating most of the pie,” says Jocelyn Tsao, a partner at Withers. “We’ve had to give our staff Putonghua [Mandarin] brush-up lessons.”

Official government statistics for the Hong Kong divorce rate are only available until 2021 – when the number dipped because the courts were closed, and the pandemic was not the time to start legal action – but family lawyers say they are now inundated with work.

An affair is often the trigger for a divorce – and usually it’s the husband playing away from home.

Tsao says typically the wife may have known of the affair for some time, but if she discovers the husband has a second family across the border, it is often the final straw.

“When it threatens their own children’s inheritance, when it comes to the passing of wealth, the wife may want to ensure that the wealth is preserved [rather than shared with another family],” Tsao says.

Most divorces are instigated by women rather than men – and it’s in their interests to commence proceedings in Hong Kong, where the court is known to be generous to the “weaker” spouse.

In Hong Kong, the court considers assets acquired both before and after marriage, while in the mainland, communal property is only that acquired after marriage.

A Hong Kong court also has the power to make banks disclose financial statements, while in the mainland, the court isn’t empowered to order financial disclosure and it is up to the husband to disclose his assets.

Dr Ken Fung, a clinical psychologist and a relationship therapist from the Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre in Hong Kong, says 20 per cent of his clients are cross-border couples.

“Women are the ones who initiate the divorce. Men are scared about how to bring that news to their parents and don’t want to give away their assets. They usually try to convince their wife [that their infidelity is] a one-off thing and it won’t happen again. Then the wife finds out that it’s more than that,” Fung says.

Fung says the pandemic is behind the recent surge in divorces. Conflict is more easily resolved when you are in the same room, where you are able to hug, kiss or show non-verbal cues, but this wasn’t possible for many cross-border couples, with tough social distancing and quarantine measures keeping them apart.

As people became more frustrated, resentment could be displaced to their partner and the children.

Although an affair is often the trigger for a divorce, it’s often not the cause, Fung says. The cause is often conflict in the marriage.

When the communication between a couple breaks down and they stop talking, they may turn to other people to talk about personal issues.

“When you talk about your relationship with others, how you don’t feel satisfied with your partner, it’s an intimate exchange. The pandemic only provided a platform for the affair to grow,” Fung says.

The foundation of a successful cross-border marriage – and marriages more broadly – is the ability to effectively communicate with your partner, to discuss both the positive and the negative in a clear and respectful way.

Fung says he sees so many of his clients taking their spouse for granted – “We are married so I don’t need to prioritise my partner” – and says that this has to be addressed if a marriage is to work.

He encourages his clients to establish routines – daily, fortnightly and annually – to ensure that doesn’t happen.

“It can be as simple as kissing your spouse goodnight every day, having a date night once a week, and travelling together once a year. This will help your relationship grow, but so many couples don’t take that pathway,” he says.

Shifting trends in cross-border marriages

While the trend has long been for Hong Kong men to marry mainland women, there has been a steady increase in Hong Kong women finding love across the border.

In 1991, Hong Kong women accounted for just 6.1 per cent of all cross-border marriages, but that increased to 35.8 per cent by 2019.

What’s more, the age gap between the groom and bride has narrowed.

In 2006, the groom was five or more years older than the bride in 69 per cent of marriages, with a median difference of nine years.

In 2020, 52.9 per cent of Hong Kong grooms were five or more years older and the median age difference had dropped to five years.

*Not the couple’s real names