Asking for a Friend: Help! How do I deal with traumatic memories?
- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a student battling painful flashbacks who is wondering how to move forward
You don’t have to deal with trauma alone; it’s OK to ask for help. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
How do I deal with traumatic flashbacks and bad memories? I wanted to believe time would make things better, and it did, to an extent, but the past is still tying me down.
While I don’t want these experiences to happen to anyone else, I have a hard time relating to people. Whenever I get triggered, everything hurts. What can I do?
Signed, Traumatised
Dear Traumatised,
Thank you for writing to us. We can tell you are seriously hurting, and it’s good you reached out for help. What you described sounds like post-traumatic symptoms. Only a full psychological assessment can tell if it meets the criteria of a diagnosable condition, such as post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). Still, people can suffer from occasional flashbacks and painful recollections even if they do not meet the full criteria of a disorder.
Conventional wisdom might tell us that time heals all wounds, but any gains you get from this are generally superficial, and regression is often one trigger away. People who leave it up to time to wash away their trauma – without directly dealing with the problem – often find it a slow process, with many setbacks and derailments.
In psychotherapy, it is not uncommon to see individuals who buried their trauma for years or even decades until unexpected events brought their traumatic emotions and memories to the surface. It can be just as painful years later because they never dealt with it.
Time alone will not heal trauma if you rely only on suppression, avoidance and self-distraction strategies. Healing from trauma requires a proper psychological understanding of its impacts and a clear plan for working through things. This includes having the right support system and professional help.
“The body remembers” and “the body keeps the score” are two popular phrases professionals use to remind people that we cannot escape our traumatic past. However, while avoidance and escape are not helpful for recovery, it is also not a good idea to push through painful memories even as your body signals danger.
Taking breaks, as many as needed, is a good idea when confronting and coming to terms with traumatic memories. Tools like relaxation exercises and self-soothing practices can support your recovery and enhance your capacity to deal with traumatic symptoms.
From what you’ve written in your letter, it seems like your trauma has influenced the way you think and feel about yourself, so we would advise against trying to process your trauma solely on your own; it would likely benefit you to speak to a therapist, social worker or other mental health professional who can develop a plan that will help you.
It is time to consider treatments that address the flashbacks and painful memories and help you truly heal.
This question was answered by James Yu, a clinical psychologist and associate professor at Hang Seng University of Hong Kong.