- Dr Ken Fung explains how social media and the pressure to conform can lead to this negative way of coping with problems and pretending everything is fine
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Although some people may look like they have it all together, they might be struggling with issues under the surface. Photo: ShutterstockMay Chan’s* smile stretched tight across her face, and she spoke with a false sense of cheer as she told her group members that their school project was completed. While they were busy congratulating each other, she looked away in frustration.
Everyone assumed it was effortless and that she had simply compiled everything together when, in reality, the 17-year-old had pulled an all-nighter and shouldered most of the work. But somehow, the pressure to maintain an image of being capable kept her from telling them the truth.
May is not alone. The teenage years can often feel like a paradox: figuring out one’s voice and identity while dealing with immense pressure to conform.
According to Dr Ken Fung, director of therapy and counselling at Jadis Blurton Family Development Centre and the founder of Your Relationship Clinic in Hong Kong, this can lead to duck syndrome – a form of social masking in which one appears calm and composed on the surface while overwhelmed with stress and emotion internally.
“This is a negative coping and defence mechanism where one presents an illusion of a perfect life but is struggling to keep it all together,” the psychologist said.
The idea behind duck syndrome comes from the way ducks appear to glide effortlessly on water when, in fact, their legs are paddling frantically beneath the surface. This analogy reflects how some teenagers attempt to project an “I have it all together” exterior while secretly struggling with challenges, he explained.
“In this sense, duck syndrome is a response to the fear of being judged for not meeting societal, cultural, or familial expectations.”
Need to show the bright side
Hong Kong’s demanding educational system has shaped parents to have higher demands and expectations for their children’s academic performance, putting a lot of pressure on teens. “However, social media has exacerbated the need for students to present themselves as successful, perfectly calm, and composed. This really contributes to the development of duck syndrome,” Fung said.
Fung noted that while people on social media often look like they are living the “perfect” life, “what people forget is that these posts and stories on Instagram are curated. They showcase the perfect, ideal version of someone’s life – being successful, happy, and fulfilled. This creates opportunities on these platforms for constant comparison with others,” he said.
This can lead to feelings of inadequacy or inferiority, especially if one has been struggling recently. One may feel pressured to maintain a perfect image, even if it is not genuine.
May admitted that she feels the need to always show the bright side of life on social media. “I think we all have a strong inclination to get peer affirmation ... through social media and getting lots of likes,” she said.
Similarly, Dara Wong*, 17, concealed his frustrations and despair in front of others because he did not want to appear weak after his father suddenly fell unconscious. “I tried very hard to show that I could manage my emotions and difficulties without help, even when I felt terrible and completely shattered, because everyone seems effortless in handling their challenges in life on social media,” he said.
Dara added that he feels like people must perceive him as having everything under control because he sees it as an image of success: “I think it gives me a sense of security knowing that others around me will not judge me based on my failures.”
Are you ‘social masking’? Hong Kong psychologist explains why some hide their personality to fit in
Myth of perfection
Fung cautioned that duck syndrome may trigger other underlying mental health conditions, such as depression and anxiety.
Common symptoms of this condition include being unable to relax, low self-esteem, assumptions that others are more in control, and feeling lonely and isolated. If these symptoms affect your daily life, it is important to seek professional help.
Still, the key to managing this condition is to evaluate how we use social media and learn to manage our emotions and expectations. Fung stressed: “A lot of people post photos of themselves being happy and successful, but what are the underlying motivations they are trying to achieve? You need to ask yourself if a particular post makes you feel you are ‘not enough’.”
In addition to limiting time spent on social media and focusing more on offline activities we enjoy, Fung suggested keeping an emotional journal. Checking in on our feelings regularly can help us better understand our emotions, navigate difficult situations and reduce the influence others can have on our emotional state.
“No one can hold onto the facade of perfection forever, but we can learn to be kind to ourselves and recognise that we all experience ups and downs. Remember, it is OK not to be OK.”
*Name changed at interviewee’s request.
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