- Each week, we respond to a question from our readers and give advice and resources they can turn to
- This week, we help a student who wants their sister to tell their parents the truth about how late she stays out
It’s normal to worry about siblings and not want them to get into trouble, but you don’t have to compromise your values, either. Photo: ShutterstockNeed an answer to a personal question that you’ve never mustered the courage to ask? We’ve been there. Whether it is about school, family issues or social life, share your thoughts with us. If you have a question you’d like answered (about anything at all), please fill out this Google Form. Don’t worry – you will remain anonymous!
Dear Friend,
My older sister has been lying to our parents about what time she gets home at night. We have a great relationship, and I don’t want to spoil that by telling on her, but I think she should be honest with them. What should I do?
Sincerely, Little Sister
Dear Little Sister,
It is such a dilemma when morality and loyalty conflict. It sounds like you really value your sister and your relationship. We imagine she tells you many things, and you want to be trustworthy and loyal to her. It also sounds like part of you worries for her safety. You also respect your parents’ parenting choices and feel it is wrong to lie to them.
We imagine that your sister does not want to tell the truth because she fears the consequences and being told “no”. This makes it difficult for you because you are made to be the co-conspirator! You’re in a very tough position.
We’ll let you in on a secret: we can’t make someone do something without them wanting to do it because we cannot control the will of others. The truth is, the only thing we can do is inspire others. Still, it is up to the other person to decide whether they will take what you value to heart. Share your concerns and values with your sister. Tell her you empathise with the fact that she probably fears hearing “no” but that you do not agree with her behaviour and won’t help her cover it up.
Help! I used to be close to my aunt, but now she takes all her anger out on me. What should I do?
You can tell her you don’t want to be a co-conspirator or participate in the lie. You do not have to tattle on her, but you can choose not to know the information about her whereabouts. You can also choose not to participate in the lying.
For example, you do not need to promise you won’t tell your parents the truth if they ask. Your sister must assess whether she will tell the truth, knowing she has to respect your boundaries.
It probably won’t be fun, and she might not be as forthcoming about her whereabouts in the future. But setting this boundary will allow her to respect you and not put you in a position that contradicts your values. She’s your sister; from the way you speak of her, we can tell she values you, too. Have a candid conversation with her and tell her your dilemma. Hopefully, the two of you can think of a plan that works.
Hope that helps, Friend of a Friend
This question was answered by Katie Leung Pui-yan, a practising child and family therapist and partner at TherapyPartners.